


Gone

by thewestmeadow



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Gen, One Shot, Smoking, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 10:54:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30003801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewestmeadow/pseuds/thewestmeadow
Summary: Directly following the end of season 2, Bill calls upon the Reader for help. Bill is spiraling and can't be left alone. He begins to question his very existence as a man, a husband, a father, while his only remaining support system, in the form of Holden and Reader, carries him through a painful night.*season 2 spoilers*
Relationships: Bill Tench/Nancy Tench, Bill Tench/Reader, Holden Ford & Bill Tench
Kudos: 6





	Gone

You were in bed when he called. It wasn’t late, but you were exhausted from a day of transcribing interviews, and had called it an early night.

“Hello?” you said.

“Hey, it’s me.”

The sound of Bill’s voice startled you. It barely sounded like the same person. It sounded broken.

You sat up in bed, folding one arm over your chest.

“Hey, what’s up?”

There was silence on the other end. A long silence.

“You there?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Can you tell me if you’re okay?” you said, becoming slightly alarmed.

“Yeah. I’m okay.” There was a long, deep sigh. “Nancy left me. She took our son. I’m sitting in our empty house right now.”

“Jesus, Bill. She left while you were in Atlanta?”

“Can’t say she didn’t warn me. I don’t know why I didn’t see this coming. She left the bed but took the sheets, the pillows. Can you believe that?”

He managed a hoarse laugh, but the sound didn’t comfort you at all. You heard the flick of his lighter.

“Let me come get you,” you said.

“That’s alright. I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“You can’t be alone in an empty house right now.”

You could hear that emptiness on the other end, the sound of Bill inhaling, the blind chaos that must be consuming his mind.

“Yeah. Why don’t you come by. Maybe I’m missing something.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Thanks, Y/N.”

“Don’t do anything stupid,” you added.

“I rarely do.”

You managed a smile as you hung up. But as you got dressed your concern quickly grew. Bill had been carrying a huge weight lately, balancing his crumbling family and his job. He was a strong man, but you didn’t know what might finally break him. This could be it.

You got out of your apartment as fast as you could, and headed towards the suburban neighborhood in Fredericksburg where Bill resided.

He was standing outside when you pulled up, smoking, still in his suit. He looked terrible, but managed a smile and a wave as you approached. Ever polite.

You put your hands in your pockets, stopping at the foot of the porch steps.

“Just gone?” you asked.

“Gone.”

“No idea where?”

“None.”

You shook your head. “I’m so sorry, Bill.”

He dropped his cigarette and stepped on it. “Thanks for coming out. Probably shouldn’t be alone after all.”

As the breeze shifted, you could smell the alcohol coming off him. That hadn’t taken long, you thought.

“She left the booze, at least.”

Bill cracked a smile. “Yeah. She knows me.”

This was painful for him to realize. You saw his face fall immediately as he reached for another cigarette. He pulled the carton from his pocket, but found it empty.

“You got any?”

“Sorry, I’m fresh out. We can swing by the gas station. You want to get out of here?”

“Yes, I very much want to get out of here.” He tossed the empty carton onto the porch, stumbled down the steps and didn’t look back.

It was close to midnight when you rolled up to the gas station. Bill immediately walked back toward the liquor aisle and grabbed a bottle of Irish whiskey, propped it on the counter and pointed to a box of Marlboros. He laid a twenty on the counter and called back for you to get anything you wanted.

You slid forward a Hershey’s bar and glanced up at Bill. He was going downhill fast. His eyes were dark, his face gray and sunken, clothes rumpled.

Back in the car, he opened the bottle and took a long drink. Then he looked at you and shook his head.

“I’m sorry. I would never want anyone to see me like this. But right now I feel like my entire reality has blown apart and I have no idea what to do.”

He tore into a carton of cigarettes and handed you one.

“So I’m going to do the only thing I know how to do in moments like this.”

“Drink until you can’t see straight?”

“Exactly.”

He held out his lighter for you.

“Good thing I’m driving,” you said, and leaned toward the flame.

Since Bill seemed to neither know nor care where you were heading, you decided to follow up on the plan you had in mind all alone: take him to Holden’s place. Holden had a bigger apartment than you did, and you couldn’t leave Bill alone in a hotel right now. Nor could you stay there with him; that was a recipe for temptation. So you stuck the cigarette between your lips and turned back towards the city, towards Holden.

Bill stared out the window, gripping the bottle of whiskey and looking close to tears, which scared you. After all you had been through together, witnessing some of the most horrific moments imaginable, you had never seen him in an emotional state like the one he was in now. You didn’t want to see how much deeper it went.

Only when you pulled up to Holden’s apartment did Bill look up and take notice.

“You serious?” he said.

“Holden has a guest room. I don’t.”

“You have a couch.”

“Sorry, Bill. You’re not staying on my couch tonight.”

He grudgingly accepted his fate, stumbling out of the car and following you up the stairs to Holden’s door.

You knocked and waited. No answer. You knocked again. Bill was swaying beside you.

“He can sleep through anything,” Bill said.

You knocked one more time, then Bill pounded the door with his fist.

The door swung open. Holden gaped out at the two of you, Bill with a bottle in his hand and you beside him, exhausted, hair unbrushed.

“What is this?” Holden asked blearily.

“My wife left me,” Bill said, then pushed past him into the apartment. Holden looked at you in exasperation.

“Sorry,” you said. “I can’t take him in.”

“So I’m stuck with him?”

“You have more room. His wife took everything. Moved it all out of the house.”

You could hear glasses clinking in the kitchen.

“Holden, what is there to eat?” Bill called.

“He’s in bad shape,” you said.

“You sure he’s not just hungry?” Holden mumbled, letting you inside.

Bill was scouring the kitchen. Holden stood watching helplessly.

“Why don’t you just let me make something?” Holden said.

“Good luck. I don’t see anything edible in there.”

“Coffee, then.”

Bill collapsed onto the couch with his bottle and three glasses in hand. You sat down beside him. He poured the glasses and handed you one.

“Holden,” Bill called, holding up the third glass. Holden left the coffee brewing and went to collect the glass. He sat down on the edge of the adjacent armchair.

“What happened exactly?” Holden asked gently.

Bill shrugged heavily. “I came back from Atlanta to find my house empty and my wife and son gone. Only my clothes were left. And our stripped bed.”

Bill trailed off, staring into nothing. Holden glanced at you with concern.

“Bill, that must have been awful.”

“It was totally surreal. To find the place empty except for my clothes. Anything that belonged to me was untouched. To see how little of me remained... what a small part of that house I actually inhabited.”

Holden glanced back at the stove, where the water was boiling.

“Sorry... one second.” He tore himself away to check on the water.

“It was the perfect way to show me how insignificant I am,” Bill went on. “What she did wasn’t cruel. She did exactly what she had to do in order to show me what I really am.”

He knocked back another shot of whiskey as you watched with growing concern, unable to do anything to stop it.

“What I am is absent. I don’t fully exist. Not at work, not at home. I’m barely a person. My wife confirmed that for me today.”

You were itching to take the bottle away, to stop him somehow. But it would do no good. This had to run itself out.

When he looked at you, his eyes looked gray, drained of color.

“I can’t think of a single reason to keep going with this.”

“With what?” you asked softly.

He held up his empty hands. “This. Any of this.”

“Bill…”

You watched him light another cigarette, the familiar hands cupping the small flame, almost normal. Almost back to the Bill you knew. But this was someone distant, someone who had withdrawn so far into their own pain that they were close to being snuffed out completely.

Holden looked in worriedly from the kitchen, but you just shook your head. He came in and sat down quietly in the armchair.

“Remember what Manson said to me?” Bill asked him suddenly.

Holden didn’t have to think long. “That you’re a composite of what someone told you you are.”

“Yeah. Well he was exactly right. That pissed me off at the time, but looking back, I couldn’t have put it better myself.”

“You can’t take what Manson said seriously,” Holden began, but you gave him a warning look and he fell silent.

“I’m supposed to be a good husband. An attentive father. A diligent employee. I try to be polite, to treat people decently. Everything we do is to put away the worst scum on this earth.”

He sat back, pulling on his cigarette, staring into nothing.

“But it isn’t enough. I’ve tried so hard at everything. I’ve worn myself to the bone. What’s it all for? My house is empty, my family is gone. There’s nothing left.”

He hung his head, cigarette dangling from his fingers. Holden looked at you helplessly.

“We can find Nancy,” Holden said. “We’re the FBI. At least you can talk to her, find out what happened.”

“I already know what happened. I was there. I just didn’t want to see what was coming.”

“You can stay here as long as you need to,” Holden said. He looked like he was about to reach out, to try and comfort Bill somehow, then realized he didn’t know how. Instead he stood up awkwardly and went back into the kitchen.

“I’m weak,” Bill said, his voice breaking. “I’m a weak man. I don’t know who I am.”

You couldn’t bear it anymore. You put your hand on his knee, gripping it hard. He looked up at you with vague surprise.

“You know I don’t say things like this,” you whispered. “But I’m saying it. You’re the strongest man I know. The strongest man I know.”

Tears came into his eyes, tears you had never seen. You had to fight back your own with all your strength.

“If anything can break you, this is it.” You held on hard to his knee. “Don’t let this be it.”

He shook his head and let out a shaky breath, two big tears dropping from his closed eyes.

“I wish you hadn’t seen me like this.”

“Me too. This is fucking terrifying.”

He managed a weak laugh. When you looked up, Holden was standing there holding a cup of black coffee.

“There’s more if you want any,” he said to you as he handed the mug to Bill.

“Thanks, Holden,” Bill said. He sipped at the steaming coffee as Holden delicately removed the bottle of whiskey from Bill’s side.

“You can revisit this tomorrow if you need to,” Holden said.

“Where’s your gun?” you asked, hating that you had to.

“At home. Locked in my office.”

A tense moment passed before he reached into his pocket and handed you his keys. “Car, house, safe,” he said, pointing them out.

You pocketed the keys with a nod.

“Guys, I really need some sleep,” Holden started apologetically. Bill waved him off.

“I’ll find my way to the guest room.”

Holden stood up, hands in the pockets of his pajamas.

“If there’s anything else I can do…”

“There’s not. Goodnight Holden.”

“You’re welcome to take the couch, Y/N.”

“I’ll be heading home. Thanks Holden.”

He nodded, glanced once more at Bill, then left the two of you alone on the couch.

Bill had finished his coffee, and looked slightly more clear-eyed, though the pain was still heavy on his face.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he said.

“I don’t think you’re going to figure it out tonight.”

“You’re right about that.”

A moment passed in silence and you were both suddenly very aware of each other. The type of moment where every movement is amplified, every breath audible. You felt his eyes flicker over you and your heart quickened. He took your hand suddenly, that big hand which deftly lit cigarettes, gripped a gun, held his son’s hand, held his wife’s face. That hand wrapped around yours easily. He held it tightly, and that was all. You squeezed back, hard. Couldn’t look at him, though you knew his eyes were fixed on you.

“She’s gone…” Bill whispered. You were struck by the fact that two simple words could carry so much weight, so many different meanings. This was why you hadn’t let him sleep on your couch. And it was why you couldn’t sleep on Holden’s couch that night.

“Take care, Bill,” you managed, then let go of his hand. You stood up and left without looking back, wiping your eyes furtively as soon as the door shut behind you.

It was late. You wouldn’t sleep that night. You drove back to Bill’s house, keys in your pocket. You walked up the porch steps where his last cigarette and the empty carton lay side by side. Inside the house, you could see how empty it truly was. The bare mattress. The few shirts hanging in the closet, unaccompanied. His office, his desk still in tact. The one room that he ever really inhabited. You knelt down to unlock his safe, taking the holstered gun and checking that the safety was on.

You brought it back with you to the bedroom, laying it on the night stand. Then you lay down on the mattress and looked up at the ceiling. Imagining things. The view from Bill’s eyes. The view from his wife’s eyes. Different worlds, different thoughts. People who lay side by side and didn’t know each other at all. Didn’t feel each other. You could still feel the ghost of his hand wrapped around yours. You hands brushed back and forth over the bare mattress. The emptiness surrounded you. She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first Mindreader fic- I just finished season 2 and can't get these characters out of my mind. thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
